I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
