i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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