I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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