did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
