If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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