Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
