oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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