If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
