I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
