I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
