We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
