I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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