On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
