It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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