Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
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Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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