just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
