You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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