how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
