Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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