Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
