So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
