shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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