I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
