I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why do cheetos always look like penises
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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