I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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