tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
