I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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