White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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