The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
