I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
