Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
