come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
