so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
