Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
