Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
