Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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