How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
