Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
