my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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