if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
