I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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