Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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