Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
