i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
