I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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