So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
