Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
