I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
