whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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