well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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