No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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