Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Michael Bay diarrhea
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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